#48 When You Grow Up Poor…

… it takes you a long time to get into the habit of washing your hands. A long time. Like… 30 years long. There’s just no point really. You’re always dirty. Having clean hands is abnormal. If you eat dinner with clean hands you actually are more at risk of getting sick because your body is used to your food being accompanied by an ever so slight dusting of dirt and grime. Lets elaborate. Here are the rules:

  • If you go to the bathroom to pee, don’t wash your hands. The logic here is why should I wash my hands for touching my own peeper. It’s my peeper. Your peeper is the dirty one.
  • If you go to the bathroom to poopie you have some options. If you successfully can pull off a ghost poop ( a poop in which you wipe afterwards and there is nothing on the toilet paper) you are in the clear. If you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. You are not obligated to wash. If you have anything from a regular Jamie Lee Curtis style poopie to a full on juicy poop, you should at least run your wiping hand under some water. The messy factor directly correlates to the amount of hand washing.
  • If you use the bathroom after your sister in any way or in any capacity, you have to take a shower.
  • Don’t wash your hands before eating. Its dangerous to your health. Don’t wash your hands after eating because now its too late.
  • If you’re hand is dirty and bleeding don’t wash your hands. This is a perfect opportunity to introduce new foreign material to your body to make your body stronger. Mana from poor people heaven. You’ll get strong and never have to go to the doctor again. Last time you went to the doctor your dad had to get another job.
  • If you’re about to touch a newborn baby you wash your damn hands.

It wont be until you turn 30 that you realize that these rules are not universal and you made most of them up while dealing with poopies that were not ghosts.

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