#49 When You Grow Up Poor…

… your friend Ryan gets you an alien figurine from the movie Alien for Valentines Day in 3rd grade. This is obviously infuriating to you for a handful of the following reasons:

  1. What the hell bro! You got me something for Valentines Day?! I didn’t even know what that was when I walked into class this morning. Then our teacher tells us that its for girl and boys to write cute notes to each other and to give chalk candy hearts back and forth. So when everyone notices that you got me an alien figurine they put two and two together – I’m a boy. You’re a boy. Neither of us are girls. You got me an alien figurine – and they begin to immediately make fun of us. This will go on for weeks. “Hows your doll dude? You and Ryan cuddle it at night together … or something?” Ugh. Third grade and I’m already at the bottom of the high school totem pole. I’ll never recover.
  2. What the hell bro! You didn’t say we were doing a gift exchange! Now I have to get you something and my parents both just got 2nd jobs so we could get another hundred AOL minutes on CD-ROM in the mail! What am I supposed to get you!? And how do I give it to you without anyone knowing. I feel like this stupid alien figurine when you push the button on its back and the little alien weenie comes out of the alien mouth. I want to throw up alien weenies.
  3. Dude. What the hell bro! I’ve never even seen Alien! I’m Mormon. I’m not allowed to watch Southpark. I can’t watch Toy Story because Sid is a bad example. I can’t leave the house on Sundays! How the hell am I going to bring home an Alien doll? Thanks for getting me grounded. Some friend.

So here’s what I have to do. You’ve forced my hand. I have to make fun of you to your face in front of everyone at recess. Its just the rules. Then I have to go home and hide the doll until Saturday, when I know that I’m having a bomb ass liquidation sale (thats what I call Lemonade Stands) in the morning. I’m gonna hock some wares next to my lemonade -my sisters homemade  bracelets, apples with faces carved in them, and Alien action figures- and hopefully I can sell the damn thing, turn a profit and use it to buy a different toy from Jeff McDonald down the street (known for his collection of the finest action figures out there).

I work the system and get a sweet deck of Reboot cards. I hand them off to Ryan on the down low in between the buses after school one day as I look over my shoulder to make sure nobody sees. Then I apologize under my breath for making fun of him. He says its cool. It’s cool. Reboot rules.

Happy Valentines Day Ryan.

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