… you have no aversion to public transportation. The bus is not a used prophylactic on wheels like most people think. It is a chariot. A fiery steed atop which you are a glistening knight. It is a poor man’s limo. It is a magic carpet and the way to ride is to have exact change in your pockets at all time. After years of riding though you’ll understand that while you are a classy poor person, there are those who ride who easily perpetuate the stigma of a profession poor person bus rider. The huddled masses. The untouchables. The cigarette smelling, groping your very large girlfriend in the back seat while wearing matching wife beaters and skater shoes, always talking loudly about drama happening at the place where you are currently crashing on the couch, tough as nails but not really kind of bus riders. You learn how to tune them out so that you can have a blissful ride on your golden chariot of poverty. Here are the rules for a successful bus ride:
- Do not get on a bus without headphones. You might as well sign up to be on the Jerry Springer show if you’re gonna pull some sh*% like that. Head phones are the first line of defense against the wife beater clan talking to you. If you don’t have them on, who’s to stop them from yelling “It’s hot as hell out there today, isn’t it?!” at you from five rows back? Nothing. Thats what. And they’ll yell it. Sixty percent of the time every time. Until you turn around and then your trapped. And they’ll talk to you about NASCAR, or some rapper, or how Jesus is cool with them sleeping around until you or they get off and lets be honest they aren’t getting off. For some effing reason they stay on til the very last stop no matter what.
- Do not get on the bus without a book. A book is the perfect object to keep your gaze trained downward. There is nothing worse on a bus than looking up and catching the eye of the homeless crazy man who has been staring at you ever since you got on, and he’s just been waiting, literally drooling out of his mouth, waiting for you to look up so that he can immediately start talking to you about how he read a book once and then his girlfriend slept with a black guy from across the hall and so now he needs $5. Dont ever look up. Ever.
- If you end up breaking one of the above rules and accidentally get in a conversation with someone, get off at the next stop. Immediately. No matter where you are. And no matter when the next bus is coming. Because I can guarantee you whatever happens to you is not going to be as miserable as enduring a homeless drunk bus conversation.
- Don’t touch anything. Hover. Levitate. Glide. Do not touch anything.
- Never fall asleep.
- If your driver is nice to you, be nice to them. If you driver could care less, then don’t give a crap.
Thems the rules. If you follow them the bus will turn into a dream tube like in your dreams. It’ll be just like the Magic Schoolbus, but you’ll be Lilly Tomlin and you’ll never have to go inside the body of one of your students ever again.