#64 When You Grow Up Poor…

… you finally get invited to a rich kid’s birthday party when you are in 5th grade! You’ve been waiting for this moment all through elementary school, watching all the other kids in their Izod shirts going off to have birthday parties in their neighborhood country clubs. It’s your turn now! And even better its your friend Andrew, who shares a love of Power Rangers and Wolverine as much as you do, and he has chosen to do his birthday party at MALIBU GRAND PRIX INDOOR ARCADE, MINI GOLF, AND GO CART RACE TRACK FACILITY!!! Can you even believe it!?!? No. You cannot.


The fateful Saturday comes. And you can’t believe that your invitation actually showed up in your mailbox the week before. Its your golden ticket. Your loving, ever supportive mother drops you off at Malibu and you present your invitation at the door. Then you immediately realize you don’t actually need an invitation. So you walk in and you’re in heaven.

Straight is the way and narrow is the gate but dammit you made it to heaven and they have the four player X-Men arcade game and you can be Nightcrawler!!!

You play that for a while and then your friend Andrew wants to play mini golf so you go play mini golf. And then you’re thinking, okay right after mini golf though imma get into a go-cart and imma go #3 Dale Ernhart, Jr. all over everybody.

Andrew tees up to hole one. Then the other kids follow. You go and something you do when its your turn is somehow funny to everyone else and they all laugh. You now know what cocaine is like. You realize you are fueled by the laughs and approval of others. So next hole you do something intentionally silly and everyone cracks up….

You’re Bill Murray

You’re Sinbad

You’re Steve Effing Martin

So the next hole Andrew is up. When he’s about to go you trip and fall in front of his swing and really lean into it, like a male soccer player. Everyone laughs, even Andrew. You get up and nudge him out of the way as if to steal his turn. Everyone laughs. Even Andrew.

You do a Babe Ruth and call your shot by pointing your little putt putt club toward the clouds. Everyone laughs. Even Andrew.

You then do a Happy Gilmore (your older brother’s favorite movie at the time, and so obviously it is also your favorite movie at the time) and you take a few steps back, wind up, run toward the golf ball and take a huge looping swing to intentionally miss. You do miss the ball. But on the tail end of your swing you connect solidly with Andrew’s face.

No one laughs. Even Andrew.

Andrew can’t laugh because Andrew’s jaw is fractured. The party’s over.

Your mom picks you up from Malibu Grand Prix early and consoles you and helps you realize that it was just an accident and wipes your tears. That night in bed there are two things you think to yourself,

  1. “Man I would have gone Ernhart all over those rich suckers if I just could’ve gotten into one of them go-carts.”
  2. I hope Andrew is OK.

And that was the last rich kid party you got invited to until well into high school…

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