Things Poor People Say Podcast – Dan Caudel

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Episode 2 of Things Poor People Say podcast is up! Today we’re talking with Dan Caudel about running drugs across the border for your older brother, trying not to abandon your kids, and corrupt police detectives who expose themselves to waitresses! Click the link below to listen!

You can also find this podcast easily on iTunes, Anchor.fm, and Pocketcasts! (Spotify coming soon!)

THINGS POOR PEOPLE SAY! – EPISODE 2 – DAN CAUDEL

#1. Things Poor People Say Podcast – Paul Rufus Castleberry, Jr.

Paul Rufus Castleberry Podcast Cover

Episode #1 in which I do a podcast from the floor of my closet and we deal with minor poor audio and recording issues (sorry it’ll get better), talk about how many houses Paul lived in growing up, and what it was like to start making our own money at 13 years old so we could buy stuff that other people’s parents gave them. Enjoy!

You can listen to the podcast here by pressing play above.

You can also listen on other platforms like:

Apple iTunes Podcast Thingy

Pocket Casts

Spotify Podcasts – Coming Soon!

You can also listen to the podcast on the site where I create it, Anchor.fm, if you’d like:

Anchor.fm – kurt-anderson

Let me know if any of this stuff doesn’t work or if you have questions!

#64 When You Grow Up Poor…

… you finally get invited to a rich kid’s birthday party when you are in 5th grade! You’ve been waiting for this moment all through elementary school, watching all the other kids in their Izod shirts going off to have birthday parties in their neighborhood country clubs. It’s your turn now! And even better its your friend Andrew, who shares a love of Power Rangers and Wolverine as much as you do, and he has chosen to do his birthday party at MALIBU GRAND PRIX INDOOR ARCADE, MINI GOLF, AND GO CART RACE TRACK FACILITY!!! Can you even believe it!?!? No. You cannot.

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The fateful Saturday comes. And you can’t believe that your invitation actually showed up in your mailbox the week before. Its your golden ticket. Your loving, ever supportive mother drops you off at Malibu and you present your invitation at the door. Then you immediately realize you don’t actually need an invitation. So you walk in and you’re in heaven.

Straight is the way and narrow is the gate but dammit you made it to heaven and they have the four player X-Men arcade game and you can be Nightcrawler!!!

You play that for a while and then your friend Andrew wants to play mini golf so you go play mini golf. And then you’re thinking, okay right after mini golf though imma get into a go-cart and imma go #3 Dale Ernhart, Jr. all over everybody.

Andrew tees up to hole one. Then the other kids follow. You go and something you do when its your turn is somehow funny to everyone else and they all laugh. You now know what cocaine is like. You realize you are fueled by the laughs and approval of others. So next hole you do something intentionally silly and everyone cracks up….

You’re Bill Murray

You’re Sinbad

You’re Steve Effing Martin

So the next hole Andrew is up. When he’s about to go you trip and fall in front of his swing and really lean into it, like a male soccer player. Everyone laughs, even Andrew. You get up and nudge him out of the way as if to steal his turn. Everyone laughs. Even Andrew.

You do a Babe Ruth and call your shot by pointing your little putt putt club toward the clouds. Everyone laughs. Even Andrew.

You then do a Happy Gilmore (your older brother’s favorite movie at the time, and so obviously it is also your favorite movie at the time) and you take a few steps back, wind up, run toward the golf ball and take a huge looping swing to intentionally miss. You do miss the ball. But on the tail end of your swing you connect solidly with Andrew’s face.

No one laughs. Even Andrew.

Andrew can’t laugh because Andrew’s jaw is fractured. The party’s over.

Your mom picks you up from Malibu Grand Prix early and consoles you and helps you realize that it was just an accident and wipes your tears. That night in bed there are two things you think to yourself,

  1. “Man I would have gone Ernhart all over those rich suckers if I just could’ve gotten into one of them go-carts.”
  2. I hope Andrew is OK.

And that was the last rich kid party you got invited to until well into high school…

#63 When You Grow Up Poor…

… you fall in love with a rat named Pam. (WARNING: This starts out as a funny post and then gets reeaaal serious. Sorry not sorry)

Pam Pam

You don’t understand people’s obsession with pets. They cost money and they’re nasty.

You’ve only every loved one animal in your life and it was a rat named Pam. You rescued her from being fed to a pet snake when she was so new that she still had translucent skin and no hair. You know that rats are smarter than mice. They’re really smart actually. And you sympathize with the little guy. Poor, hairless, and smart, with a world of possibilities if that world would just give you a break.

You rescue the rat, curse at the trench coat wearing psychopath who was laughing as he began lowering this innocent, defenseless newborn rat into his king snake’s cage, and take the rat home to your house.

Your mother is either mortified or pissed. House rule: no animals in the house. Its that simple. But you are now the caretaker of a brand new baby rat. You cannot abandoned her.

You go to the pet store and buy a magazine called RATS. Its about rats. All about rats. You flip through and find an article on something called “nesting”. You learn that its the process of coaxing a newborn animal into thinking that you are its mother. For some reason, you feel that this is a great idea for you. You buy a leather pouch for marbles and hang it on a string. You put the baby tiny little rat in the pouch. Then you wear the pouch around your neck under your shirt for the next two weeks. You feed the rat. You hold the rat whenever you are sitting down. You sleep with the rat in a bowl of straw next to your pillow.

Two weeks later the rat, who is now named Pam, has hair, all white except for some caramel patches here and there, and is growing like crazy. And the nesting has worked. We’ve imprinted on each other like that one wolf guy in those Vampire Werewolf books.

You put her in a shoe box up on your dresser on the other side of your room and go to bed. You wake up in the middle of the night because Pam has gotten out of the shoe box, climbed down the dresser, crawled across the bedroom floor, scaled your bed, and has curled up in the nook between your neck and your jaw on your pillow to sleep.

You cry.

You are in love with a rat now.

Pam now follows you everywhere. You try and keep her out of the bathroom while you shower by stuffing towels under the door. She gets in anyways, climbs the shower curtain, and jumps in the shower with you.

So you buy rat shampoo.

You now shower with a rat.

You can’t stand the thought of leaving her home all day (and neither can your mom) so you bring her to work in her pouch until she gets too big for the pouch. By that time you have moved into an apartment with friends and they also love Pam but don’t want rat poop in the apartment. So you potty train Pam.

You now are in love with a potty trained rat.

Now she can run free through the apartment. You fear you may never see her again. You come home from work every night, grab food, sit on the couch and watch TV. You wonder if Pam has run away. If she finally realized that you are not a mother rat. But every night, without fail, while you watch It’s Always Sunny or Arrested Development, Pam finds her way onto the couch, climbs your shirt, and sits on your shoulder and watches TV with you while you feed her bits of whatever you are eating.

You now watch TV and eat dinner with a well bathed, potty trained rat who you are in love with.

Pam never leaves. Pam is your friend. Pam loves you. You love Pam.

A couple years later (I’m tearing up as I write this), Pam wakes up one morning and she’s not herself. She’s slow to move, she can’t walk in a straight line. She doesn’t eat dinner that night. She takes no interest in TV.

The next day one of her eyes is red and bulging out a bit. Something is wrong.

You take Pam to the vet.

Pam has brain cancer. The doc says her parents and grandparents were probably lab rats and its just what happens to rats these days.

There’s nothing that anyone can do for Pam.

That night you talk to Pam in your bed before you fall asleep and let her know that you will be ending her life tomorrow because you love her. You cry. She doesn’t move and her breath is labored.

You are now talking to a one-in-a-million, never to happen again, very special, beautiful, once-in-a-lifetime rat you love.

The next day you end Pam’s life. You don’t go to work. Its a hard day.

You get over it. Eventually.

Then on her ten year death anniversary Facebook reminds you of her and its a hard day again and you try not to let people see you cry on the train while you write a tribute post to her on your blog.

You still love that damn rat.

#62 When You Grow Up Poor…

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… you read Dave Ramsey‘s blog post about 20 Things Broke People Say (That Rich People Do Not Say) and oh my hell! You can’t help but laugh because you realize this list was 100% created by an eternally rich person. And you have some thoughts of your own you feel you need to share with everyone.

So lets review this list of “things that all poor people definitely say (…WINK!)”:

If I earn interest, I have to pay more taxes.

  • This could be true, who knows! I wouldn’t. In order to earn interest you have to have money in the bank.

There’s no shame in being poor, just in dressing poorly.

  • I’ve never talked to another poor person who said there was no shame in being poor. It’s a crying shame. In fact the only reason I’m dressed like a scrub is because I’m too busy shaming myself for being poor to notice how I look.

At my age, it’s too late anyway.

  • This is true. I started saying this when I was 10. It was true then and its true now.

Why save money? You can’t take it with you when you die!

  • You know what you can take with you though? Happiness. And saved money doesn’t buy happiness. Spent money does. Anyone who tells you money doesn’t buy happiness has never ridden a 4-wheeler.

We’re only young once!

  • Only young once…but poor the whole time.

But it’s only zero percent interest!

  • No human on Earth says “only zero percent” anything. That isn’t even grammatically correct. You would say “It’s zero percent interest” or you might say “But it’s no interest!” It doesn’t make any sense to say it’s ONLY zero percent interest. And again, you have to HAVE money to be able to qualify for a credit card. This is a sentence a moderately wealthy person says before they BECOME poor.

I’ll pay it off next month!

  • Nope. Wrong. I never said this. The correct phrase is: “I hope they don’t notice when I don’t pay next month either!” and then you have daydreams about all the files at the collection agency getting burned up in a fire and getting a letter in the mail next month that just says “You dodged a bullet this time but we’ll get you.”

Old cars just aren’t safe.

  • What the Hell????

Whatever you want, dear.

  • Holy. Hell. When you work two jobs you are away from home for 16 hours a day. Your significant other is at home with 4 kids, only two of which are yours (the other two just come and go as they please and you have no idea who they belong to) and she hasn’t taken a shower in 4 days, and is covered in breast milk and poop. You come home and she says “Hey wanna go see Jumanji on Friday?” You gonna say “Umm I don’t think we have the funds in our budget this month dear. That’s $15 dollars that would otherwise be earning interest in our compounded IRA backed David Lee ROTH account!” Trust me. $15 dollars for movie tickets once a month is far more economical than a nasty ass divorce.

I’ll start my budget next month.

  • What budget? Whats a budget? Budgeting when you’re poor is incredibly easy. You are always on a budget. You have more expenses than you do income so the math is easy. “Hey, we’re out of money again.” Welp! Our budget is finished. Easy Peasy.

It’s for the kids.

  • Okay, okay you got me. This one is true. I do this all the time. “Honey we need diapers…for the kids. Oh hey honey, we need some food… for the kids. Oh dang honey, I’m really sorry I know this sucks and we dont have to, but we need a car seat… fir the kids.” So yeah… GUILTY AS CHARGED.

I work hard so I deserve to have it!

  • Poor people don’t talk about “treating themselves” like Rich people do. They just do it.
  • POOR PEOPLE: “I have this ten dollars. I never have ten dollars. This thing is ten dollars. I’ll buy this thing.”
  • RICH PEOPLE: “Oh here is another $1,000 dollars leftover from my paycheck. What shall I ever do? Perhaps I’ll buy a paisley smock. I deserve it because I earned all this leftover money. It’s my …. prerogative. HAhAHahahHAHAHA!”

I’ll just keep paying the minimum payment.

  • …because I have no more money to put toward it…. is the end of that sentence.

My rich grandparents are going to die soon.

  • AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Holy hell this one is really good. Poor people don’t have rich grandparents. That’s science. That’s why we’re poor. We daydream about things like rich grandparents, long lost relatives leaving us their Confederate gold in a will, it winning the lottery. It’s not gonna happen. Our family never had anything to pass along to us in the first place. Holy hell.

I want my kids to have it better than I did.

  • This is true. But shouldn’t it be true of ALL people???

It’s cheaper to eat out than eat at home.

  • Here’s how I know that this was so obviously written by a wealthy person. Because wealthy people don’t feed their whole family off of dollar menus for $8 bucks. It is definitely not cheaper to eat out … if you’re eating out at farm-to-table local boutique restaurants every night. But damn you can get a double cheeseburger to split between two of your kids for $1 so…..

Always keep a house payment for tax purposes.

  • There is no way a poor person could have ever said this because I honestly have no idea what this means? How does this work? Is it true? Whats a house payment? What are tax purposes?

I’ll save next year when I’m making more money.

  • This is 100% true. I say this often and so does every other poor person I know.

We’ll pay it off when the tax return comes in.

  • Also 100% true. And I honestly am struggling to see how this is a negative. It makes A LOT of sense.

If everyone followed the Dave Ramsey plan, the economy would fail.

  • What’s a Dave Ramsey plan? Sounds like something for rich people.

#61 When You Grow Up Poor…

… you and your siblings can remember having to shower together way past the age that you would usually not remember that kind of thing. Which was awkward back then. And it’s awkward now.

#60 When You Grow Up Poor…

… you have to go with your mom to clean houses when you stay home sick from school. Which you don’t mind doing. What you don’t like though is that the house your mom cleans belongs to your teacher… who says thank you for the clean toilets the next day when you walk into class…

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